this is not my first picture using my tablet. it is my second. the first looks really too amateurish! this is aya of weiss kreuz.

this is the original pencil drawing:



i prefer the pencil drawing to the one drawn with the tablet and coloured. it has more character i think haha.



i scanned in the picture and retraced the lines and it is not easy to retrace the lines using a tablet cuz you're drawing on one surface and the image appears on another! took a pretty long time to retrace the entire picture.

to see the larger version (i had to resize it to fit the column) click here

i am in love with aya! haha.

anyway jui should be aya. i will put picture comparisons in my next post. actually i thought yu-ki of lolita23q looked more like aya but esther said jui. well now i think she's right. haha. people i like all happen to have a similar look. haha!

i want to buy my clear acuvue lenses again. i wanna get rid of my dependence on circle lens. i wanna try freshlook radiance lenses though, but i think those don't really enlarge, they just make your eyes glowy. i must get used to a natural look again.

today is the last week of proper lessons (although there will be revision) and i am so sad!! i feel like my knowledge has not increased at all! and exams are coming soon. exams are still more than a month away, but time passes so so so fast! it zooms by and i cannot keep up!

i really wonder what do people expect of me. many times i think i do not live up to people's expectations. it's not a bad thing, but neither is it necessarily a good thing either. i feel so detached from everything. i don't choose to be detached, i find it so hard to play along with the rest of the world.

i realise im getting to know myself better.

i realise i am not kind hearted, i don't care about a lot of things. receiving help from others is a privilege, not a right. however, i am against people imposing on others, doing things at the expense of others. it's ok that you come into this world and leave this world without leaving anything behind. it is NOT ok when you come into this world and make life hell for others. of cuz, making the world a better place with your presence here is ideal, but i am not so noble to do that.

i once thought that it is cuz there's a good side of me and that's why i believe in being environmentally friendly and taking the effort to be nice to the people around me. now i know that that is not the reason. i just don't wish to leave any negativity behind (although im sure i left a lot behind). i don't wish to make life worse for others. hurting others intentionally is against my morals. this includes direct and indirect ways. e.g. harming the environment is hurting others indirectly, and being indifferent to the harm you are causing IS WRONG in my eyes. however, having a positive effect on others isn't something i am tring to achieve either.

but of cuz, there are times i will help out of compassion. but it is hard to make me want to do so. but there are times when i do actually feel enough to want to make the world a better place. but those times are few and far in between. during the meantime, i'll make sure i am neutral and leave nothing behind, no burden for others to carry on my behalf. but that isn't very easy to achieve. i do admire compassionate people though. but ive come to terms with the fact that i am not one, at least for the moment.

to me, before you think about helping others, think about reducing the harm you do to others first. many people think they are making a positive difference in the world, but they seem to have forgotten about any negativity they are creating in the meanwhile too. many times, the negativity they create totally outweighs the positivity generated. it is way harder to get rid of negativity than create positivity.

ok i think i need to explain myself further before people start getting the wrong idea about me and start thinking i am mean, heartless or anything. i do the same 'good things' that apparently 'good people' do. take recycling for example. people do recycling, they think it's good for the environment and feel good about themselves and tell themselves well done they have made a positive effect.

but to me, i feel i have not made a positive effect. all i did was to negate the negativity i did in the first place. say you buy an item. by doing so you have used plastic packaging and it harmed the environment. you think you done good, but recycling doesn't make the world a better place, all you have done was to minimise the damage you're causing. like it or not, this is the truth.

nothing to be proud of 'doing good things'. doing 'good things' is a given, it's the basic you should be doing. you're just paying the price for your existence on earth because just by existing we are harming the world everyday. too bad many people are not even achieving this very basic standard.